Dear Faithful Reader,
I trust this issue of Black Birdseye View reaches you in good health and high spirits. I'm doing well. For this month's edition, I wish to share an extraordinary story with you, the story of how helped I save my own life.
The truth of the matter is, often, we do not realize we need help until we are faced with the undeniable evidence that we do. I've always existed in my own unique space, a world I term "Robin's Realm". Here, everything falls into place. When I mention "Robins Realm," some might perceive it as a form of superiority; however, it's my sanctuary. It's my place of refuge, for which I offer no apologies. Unbeknownst to me, I had been disconnecting from reality long before I understood the concept. I considered it normal to retreat mentally to reserve moments of solitude to mute the mental "noise" in my head.
As a child, I often found myself in the bathroom, a belt around my neck, choking myself to the brink of unconsciousness. It was my routine, inexplicable yet part of my life. As a child, I once attempted to end my life by slashing my wrist but could never bring myself to penetrate my skin. The result was faint scratches on my wrist.
While in college, I ingested an overdose of ulcer medication and secluded myself in my dormitory. I remember the ambulance, the snowy ground beneath, and the lie I spun for others—I was taken to the hospital due to a medication error. The reality was far bleaker—I was weary of life.
Years later, in Vallejo, I was a living embodiment of despair. I hit a point of no return, forever altering my perspective. One night, I decided to bid farewell to this ruthless world, frustrated and disillusioned. I fell asleep whishing death upon myself. When I awoke, I felt anger surge through me—I was still here, still caught in the snare of life. That was three decades ago.
In 2021… on July 4th, I hit rock bottom. I had just confronted Mama and James at home, and I was shattered. I remember sitting at my bar, wanting to unleash a guttural scream, but silence was my only ally—I didn't want to draw attention. In a whisper barely audible to myself, I cried out, "Help!!!" I realized I was unsafe, alone with my thoughts, a part of me deeply discontented with the world and its workings.
During that precarious moment, a powerful urge to survive surged within me, even as my mind was overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts. That moment was my catalyst for seeking therapy again. I'm certain, without that decision, I would not be here today. The fight for my life was a battle against myself.
I recall my first virtual therapy session. I was within the comfort of my home yet simultaneously in a session with a stranger. During this introductory session, I revealed the horrors of my past: Mama's knowledge of James's molestation tendencies, the emotional abuse she subjected me to, my past abusive marriage, the molestation of my daughter, my family's betrayal, and my struggles with my autobiography which resurfaced a multitude of buried feelings and memories. My therapist identified these as a series of traumas which led me to suppress my memories—both good and bad.
My life is a journey through sorrow and regret, and I acknowledge my role in my suffering because I process from a broken place. The phrase "Health is Wealth" now rings truer than ever.
I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. The diagnoses of depression and anxiety were expected, but when the doctor mentioned PTSD, I was surprised. I recall saying, "Isn't that for people who have been to war?" When the therapist responded, “Consider your family the enemy” you could have blown me over with a feather.
That was around a year ago. I am working through my grief, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Recognizing that some situations are simply what they are is one of the most potent realizations a person can have. My journey has taught me that "I determine how long I dwell in sadness and grief." It's natural to feel sad, but eventually, we must muster the strength to break free from sorrow's grip and in many cases break a cycle of abuse.
Don't follow my footsteps, waiting until the twilight of life to truly live. Seek help. I firmly believe that therapy can benefit everyone. A therapist, a trained professional, should ideally be someone unknown to you, someone capable of maintaining absolute impartiality. Speaking to a friend doesn't quite qualify as therapy.
If you identify with any of the following, you may want to consider seeking professional help:
Do you engage in self-destructive behavior?
Do you continually attract similar types of negativities in different relationships?
Do you allow people to take advantage of you?
Or do you, perhaps, dominate others?
Do you wish to explore your inner self?
Do you find tranquility elusive?
Are you perpetually seeking company?
Are you on the brink of significant life changes?
Have you ever been victimized?
Do you grapple with control issues?
Do you harbor envy?
Are you battling addiction?
Are you struggling to manage life's pressures?
Do you need assistance in coping with stress?
Do you often feel out of place in social situations?
Do you experience bouts of depression?
Do you suffer from anxiety?
Have you experienced trauma?
Do you wish to gain clarity in your thoughts?
Do you aspire to let go of your past and reclaim your life?
There's a wide spectrum of therapeutic methodologies available. Here are a few that I have found beneficial:
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is designed to identify and alter negative thought patterns and behaviors that contribute to emotional distress. It helps individuals to develop healthier coping mechanisms.
Humanistic Therapy: This therapy emphasizes personal growth, self-acceptance, and self-actualization. It accentuates individual strengths and encourages self-discovery to foster personal development.
Family Therapy: Family therapy engages with entire families or specific family members to address conflicts, improve communication, and enhance relationships. It can be especially beneficial in treating issues such as familial disputes, addiction, or behavioral issues in children or adolescents.
Mindfulness-Based Therapies: These therapies, such as Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), integrate mindfulness practices to foster awareness of the present moment, reduce stress, and boost overall well-being.
Art Therapy: Art therapy leverages artistic expression as a therapeutic tool to enhance self-awareness, emotional processing, and personal growth. It can be particularly helpful for individuals who find verbal communication challenging.
That's all for now, Dear Reader.
Until next time,
Robin Ess / Robin Mills
Online Editor and Columnist / Carolina Call Newspaper
Editor-in-Chief Black Birdseye View
blackbirdseyeviewnews@gmail.com
(919) 395-0398
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