Hello Faithful Reader,
I hope this month's edition of The Black Bird's Eye View finds you well and in good spirits. I am well. 2019 has proven to be productive and healing. This month I will share my perspective on an issue that is often swept under the rug that perpetuates a legacy of secrecy that weakens the bond of family.
It is disheartening that many women I know were molested as a child by a family member. The fact that in all the cases I am aware of the perpetrator is protected instead of the child is disheartening. The child was expected to sweep the incident(s) under the rug to keep the peace in their home. That is a huge unfair responsibility for a child to carry. In most of the cases, I am aware of, it is the women in the family who are protecting the predators.
Recently there has been a surge in the celebrities that have been convicted of different forms of sexual misconduct. The one commonality across the board is the amount of outrage, not at the predator but because the predator just so happens to be black. The common thought is that people don't understand why the black man was convicted of the charges of sexual misconduct when white men get away with it. Although there is some validity in that thought process, it does not negate the fact that a crime was committed. The reality is that everyone who has violated another individual should be convicted.
It just so happens that we live in a country where the cards appear to be stacked against black people so no one should be surprised by lopsided justice. With that understanding, the most important point in these cases is being overlooked. The cases are more about people being angry about the wrong thing. We should be outraged that someone was violated. If we follow a line of thinking that allows the black man to get away with sexual misconduct because the white man got away with it where does that leave the person who was violated? I guess folk just want the victims to sweep the ugly truth under the rug and pretend it never happened so predators can be happy and black folk can feel like we are equal.
I'm coming from a survivor's perspective. I know what secrets can do to a child's spirit. I know how it feels to have the whole family know the truth but make the survivor out to be the bad guy so that the perpetrator can save face.
· I stand for the ones who must see the perpetrators and pretend it's "all good" out of respect.
· I speak for the ones expected to come to family functions and eat at the same table with the person who violated them.
· I speak for the one who told the truth and had it thrown back in their face.
· I speak for the one who is labeled the black sheep of the family without earning the title.
· I speak for the broken little girls that live inside of all the women who were violated.
It happens more than you may think. Women stay with child molesters all the time. They find all kinds of ways to justify it. They go to great pain shielding the child from the world, so they don't tell. The child often isn't allowed to go to sleepovers and functions that don't include the parents because there is a fear that the child will tell the family secret. In many cases, the parent deliberately creates distension between siblings to ensure that the children never get together and compare facts. This creates a wedge that damages the bond that should naturally exist between siblings. Enablers of the predator will go so far as to tell the child it was a dream, or they made it up. The enablers often reinvent memories so that they can live with themselves. The enabler tells themselves the fabricated story so much that it appears that a part of them starts to believe it. The enabler transfers their anger at the predator to the child. All the while, no one has the child's back. In many cases, an entire household plays make pretend out of loyalty or need. If the mother knows, she is just as much to blame if not more so because she ultimately chooses a man over her child and doesn't protect her child and doesn't fight for her child...she thinks only of herself and how she feels and what people will think. Then when everything is out in the open the mother tends to play "poor poor" me and expect people to continue to act like she never knew the man she stayed married to.
But let me tell you.... the day you put your foot down and bring the past to their door you will be free. My advice to anyone who knows what I'm speaking of personally is to stop going along to get along. Love yourself the way they never did and stop pretending with them because at the end of the day the truth doesn't change and you're probably the only one with clean hands.
This culture of secrecy that exists around this topic must be addressed and stopped, otherwise, we will have a lot of broken women raising children with their violation as background noise in their heads. There will continue to be women walking around thinking that they cannot trust men, or who are hyper vigilant about their children. The last thing we need is for children to grow up thinking that being violated is the norm or that they are not valued enough to be protected.
Let's go into 2020 with a clean slate. If you are a part of a family that overlooks the elephant in the room stand up and be a hero to that child. If that child is full-grown take a stand and be a champion and let him or her know that you have their back because one of the worse feelings in the world is to feel alone surrounded by family.
Thank you for taking the time to allow me to express my thoughts on this matter that is personal to me. Until next time.
Always, Robin
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